So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
