I need to stop coming to work sober
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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