currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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