Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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