I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
