i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
