there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
