just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's rum buckets o'clock
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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