I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
