Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
