my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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