All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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