I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
