shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
