Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
