She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
