You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
