I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
