I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize