I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
