Duck Duck Cougar?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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