I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
