Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
