so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
