Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
