I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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