I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
