It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
