yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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