i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
pop tarts are not kleenex
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
