Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
