I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
