party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
