im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
