is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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