I can text with my tongue
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
