did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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