I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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