i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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