Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
