Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
