I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
