We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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