the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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