its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize