i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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