you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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