someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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