i was born a porn star she said
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
