final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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