drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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