I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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