I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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