i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
