My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have tasted many bathrooms
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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