We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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