Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
