I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize