are you so shy because you have an std?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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